Sometimes, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I mean, the theme of perspective has been blatantly littered throughout the first six chapters, and yet I still get emails and texts saying that either my life hasn't really been that hard or that they were so sorry about the hard things I went through and that no one should ever go through hard things. While I appreciate both ends of the spectrum, I feel like the point was missed somewhere back in chapter one. You know, that part where I shouted PERSPECTIVE through cupped hands so that no one would misunderstand. Yeah, back there.
So, to ensure that everyone's on the same page, which I really hope we are, seeing that this is a book and all, I'm going to take an entire chapter to talk about perspective. If you still don't get it after this, just put the book down, it's not worth it at that point.
The first thing we need to be clear on is the definition of reality. We all live in a shared reality, a passing of events that are factual and that actually occur to everyone who is present at the time of the event. For example, on September 11th, 2001, the World Trade Centers were struck by airplanes and subsequently collapsed. Fact. We all know that happened, because one day the World Trade Centers were standing, and the next day they weren't. Our shared reality acknowledges that event, and we all collectively recognize that something happened. Those events bind us as humanity and allow us to progress forward in social, technological, fiscal, and every other facet of existence.
Now, individual reality, that's a totally different story. Imagine that you and three friends walk into a movie theater to watch the most recent release of (insert awesome movie that just came out in theaters and you're just dying to go see it here). You've got your popcorn, and your massively overpriced drink, and after 40 minutes of trailers you finally get to see the movie. This is it! It's gonna be awesome. Bam! Two hours go by. Your gripping the edge of your seat as the hero does something incredibly heroic and the bad guy shrivels in defeat and the credits roll and it was just the coolest two hours of your life and you can't wait to watch it again next weekend! So naturally, you turn to your friends and go: "Wasn't that the coolest movie ever?!"
"Meh, it was alright."
Alright?! It had cool stuff like guns and cars and that plot twist was just mind boggling and you said it was just "alright?!" Are you sure we saw the same film?
The answer to that is no, when it comes to individual reality. Shared reality, absolutely, but I'm not talking about shared reality here. Individual reality is the reason four friends can walk into a movie theater and leave having four opinions of the movie. People carry with them predispositions towards certain affinities and away from certain deterrents. They're the filters we use to protect ourselves from danger while maximizing our resources for the highest return. I think chick flicks are trite because the resolution seems undeserving and the characters are traditionally one dimensional and stereotypical, so I look for ways to avoid watching those types of films or emotionally detach myself when I'm obligated to watch one. Hey, that's my perspective; that's my reality.
And no one can justify against it. You can't say that the feelings of disdain I have towards chick flicks are fake or fabricated. For me, those feelings are real and they define who I am and how I act. My actions are a reflection of my feelings, and my feelings are a reflection of my perspective of the world. So when I said earlier that I felt alone, you cannot turn around and say that I had all these friends around me and lots of achievements and awards garnishing my neck and my miserableness was an unjustifiably constructed emotion, because that was my individual reality, and that is what I believed.
We choose how we see our reality. I can choose to see the beautiful architecture that decorates my drive to work or I can wallow in the abysmal traffic that plagues southern California. I have a choice but I must make a choice; I cannot ignore reality because I don't like the options I've been given. If I step into that movie theater and watch that movie for two hours, I cannot retract my decision and say "you know, that movie was actually pretty terrible, so I am going to just erase that film from my memory and pretend it was never made." Too late! You sat through the movie, you decided to make those two hours a part of your reality, now you have to live with the consequences regardless of how good or bad it was.
But here's where things get interesting. You cannot choose the shared reality in which you live. The physical events that proceed beyond your control will always be beyond your control and the ones within your control are factually dictated by the decisions you make. However, you control more than just how you see your reality, you control the actual, individual reality in which you live. If you want to rename everything in your house Bob or decide to become the president of Aaronsburg, by all means, go for it! No one else can tell you that your perspective of the world is wrong. They may tell you that your understanding of the shared reality is wrong, which obviously it is because Aaronsburg is a fictional country that I secretly wish existed, but your individual reality will always be correct based on what you believe it to be.
That's why I can rant for six chapters about my life without once mentioning my brother, Austin, who repeatedly and forcefully fought my abusive brother, Andrew, in an attempt to keep me safe. I was so focused on the "villain" that I didn't see the "hero" who valiantly defended me for years of my early life. It's the reason I still didn't see it until I was 25, sitting shotgun in my brother's truck parked outside of my aunt's house talking about the hell that went on during those early years. I couldn't handle that reality; I didn't want to look at that perspective. I wanted to hide in my subjectivity and push away pieces of the shared reality that I missed all those years ago. The facts remained the same, but my reality, my individual reality, shifted in the passenger seat of that pickup truck that day.
I mean, you could sit down and detail every phase of my life and say: "Well what about this friendship or that relationship, or all the rewards and accolades you received. Did they mean nothing to you?" Absolutely they meant something to me! I wouldn't be here writing if I had zero positive influences in my life. Learning is a process and life is a trial of imperfections where we're just doing our best not to die, let alone be happy. But what I remember, what I saw as my reality in those moments at those periods of my life are the words that line the pages of this book. That was my reality, and no one can tell me otherwise. There is no way of going back and changing what was. I took the path that was full of pain and sorrow, and I must live with those consequences for the rest of my life.
But I do not have to live my life the same way anymore. I do not and will not live under the pretenses of anxiety and depression and fear and hopelessness and accept the outcomes of those filters as my individual reality. I will live my life accepting my insecurities and genuinely seeking lasting relations with faith and patience. Times of trial and isolation will no longer be marred by additional masochism. In everything we do there is a silver lining, a reason to celebrate. There will always be some person, or some event, or some reward, or some hope for the future that can fill our reality with peace and happiness, but we must choose to look for and accept it and reject any previous filter that may blind us from seeing it.
And furthermore, I will no longer narrowly look on my situation under selfish pretenses. Part of perspective is being willing to understand and empathize with someone else's individual reality. It's the reason I so quickly rejected my friendship with Brady based on his incapacity to reciprocate compassion, even though he spent hours listening to me vent about my emotional lack of preparation with regards to moving to California. Or, the reason I had such a hard time overcoming my anxiety while serving a Mormon mission. I was so focused on my concerns and my weaknesses and my relationships that I missed the people who loved me. I missed the companions who would sit me down and listen to me and make sure I was alright, who defended me when other missionaries ridiculed me, and who went so far as driving to my apartment during their time off to personally wish me a happy birthday. We all live in our own individual realities, and the better we understand someone else's reality, the easier it is to begin to see the world for the shared reality that it actually is.
At the end of the day, we all must remember that we're imperfect. My pursuit for perfection, and my expectation of perfection tainted my perspective massively. More so, it prevented me from seeing someone else's perspective through the fog of imperfection that clouded their vision. Somehow, accepting my imperfections and other's imperfections allowed me to take of my glasses of individual reality, if only for a little, and see the shared reality for what's actually there: a mass of people who just want to be accepted, who manage to bump into each other and using their own version of reality, fabricate what it takes to maintain relationships and be successful and find happiness, and some people get by.
Most get hurt.
And that's OK. Get hurt. Scrape your knee and scratch your glasses. Tear your favorite shirt and scream profanities at the top of your lungs! And get over it. And be better because of it. See the world through clearer eyes and accept people for who they actually are, individual realities and all. Love unconditionally. Lift others higher than you can go yourself. But most importantly, change your perspective. It's OK to make mistakes, and it's OK to hurt, but if you use that as an excuse to be unhappy, then that's your choice and not a construct of the shared reality.
Choose a perspective that makes you happy, stick with it no matter what, and you'll always be right in your individual reality.
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