I think it's safe for all of us to assume that we've become WAY too inundated with media. I mean, social media overwhelms the tabs of my computer while music and TV drown out the thoughts I'm trying to jot down and next to me are mounds of magazines and newspapers and it just drives me crazy how much I need to care about whatever stupid fad is popular for the next 60 seconds before another fad steps in to take its rightful place as king of the stupid fads for the subsequent 60 seconds! It's dumb and I hate it.
And it's really jacked up my way of thinking.
I mean, how does the media portray friendship? What, beyond the escapades and the petty arguments, does it really teach about being a good friend? Does it showcase all the emotional and communicative elements that are vital to keeping a relationship alive, or do they just evade those topics because no consumer would ever want to sit down and watch two people talk about their feelings?
Here, I'll answer all those rhetorical questions for you: poorly, not much, absolutely not. So, is it any wonder that a man, or a society, would have a poor understanding of the implications of friendship if all that's ever been taught is what's been shown in the media? You show a person an idealized scenario with no further discussion or instructions, then ask them to replicate that in a highly flawed and naive environment, and are surprised when failure ensues?
Going into college, I thought that being an adult meant finding a friend who would have my back. You know, me being the eccentric spiky-haired kid and my best bud be the ferociously philosophical tiger. Like, I'll be the smooth, classy gentleman playing second fiddle to my wildly entertaining confidant, and we would be unstoppable. Who doesn't want that?! Whether it was real or not, I believed that to be happiness, and I needed that. I needed my "best friend".
Well, not to long after returning home from my Mormon mission, I got a phone call while delivering legal documents for a pretty meager paycheck. Seth, that wildly popular kid from high school, wanted to see how I was doing. I was flabbergasted. The stud who I always wanted to be best buds with called me to see how I was doing? And he wants to hang out?! Ah yeah am I free this weekend! This is gonna be so cool; I can't wait to catch up with him and spend time with him; things are going to be so awesome!
Well they were. And, they weren't. I mean, we were best friends! We played video games, and watched stupid videos online, and talked about life and girls, and went to parties. I still remember sitting inside Zupas just doing nothing, but we were doing nothing, together. So yeah, I did it; I got my best friend. I was best friends with the kid I wanted to be best friends with since high school and I did it and things were awesome. Except, they weren't. And I couldn't figure out why. Why was I still not happy?
About a year or so after being "best friends", I sent him an email. "I've been meaning to talk to you for the past day and a half or so, but I've been scared to. Pretty much, I've always been a little scared to talk to you. I look up to you a lot, and when I mean a lot, I mean like an older brother a lot. Because of that, I'm very much intimidated by you. The reason I started hanging out with you in the first place was because I could be myself without feeling like I was being judged. Somehow, I've created this scenario where that's no longer the case. A lot of this is things I've just created in my mind, I understand that, but either way these are real emotions I'm feeling. My biggest fear, though, is loosing you as a friend. I need to know that I can trust you. The sad thing is, I know I can, but somewhere deep inside I've put up so many barriers that I just can't pull myself to do so. Thanks for all you've done to help me thus far; you've been a great friend. It just needed to be said, that's all. -AJ Heaps :D"
This circular swirl of fear and angst and elevated expectations reeks out of that email. Looking back, I feel so ashamed reading what I sent to him that day. The pedestal I placed Seth on could have elevated to the level of God himself. And the walls I built around myself kept even the sun from shining through; I mean, no wonder nothing beautiful grew within me when just outside of my reach were acres of thriving gardens. Was there some history behind my actions? Of course. But did I know any better? Absolutely not. Who was there to teach me about the fallacies of my logic? Certainly not the media! But certainly not the 21 years of life experiences to that point. I was entering into the trial and error stage of development.
Boy, was it rough.
Because I left Seth. Happiness was out there attached to that "best friend" of mine, and if it wasn't Seth, it must be Eddie, the chemical engineer who whipped me at video games. Ah, it was football games, and talking trash over video games, and terribly late nights working on homework jacked up on caffeine, and cranky mornings of bright lights and loud noises after coming off our caffeine, and sleeping on couches, and flying out for weddings. Best friend: check.
Happiness: not-check. If only he had invited me to that party with him; best friends always go to parties together. I can't believe he didn't wait for me to grab lunch with him; I thought we were best friends? He can't work on homework with me this weekend?! See if I ever work on homework with him again. STUPID, PETTY GARBAGE! Of course I was happy! I look back and see some absolutely incredible times we had, but in the moment, in my perspective, all I saw were little caveats to justify that we weren't the friends I thought we were. Or thought we should've been. Or what the media thought we should've been. I created scenarios to say, "well if we were friends, he would do this." Then he'd prove me right. Then I'd be mad that we weren't friends. But of course he proved them right, I created scenarios he couldn't possibly have accomplished without either being able to read minds or being literally perfect. And he was neither.
And thank goodness for that! But I expected perfection from a person who was having a hard enough time getting his homework done on time, let alone trying to understand the emotional and social turmoil I was putting myself through. To be quite honest, in all the scenarios and in all the "testing", I never reached out and communicated how I felt. Communicating emotions was a weakness, or so I thought. Maybe it was because of failed communication in the past. Maybe it was because I "realized" that the pain I felt was a consequence of my thoughts and not a result of someone else's actions, so if I wanted restitution, I needed to face my pain alone. In any case, amidst the friendship and camaraderie that existed between Eddie and I, I still wallowed within myself. Alone.
With a battered soul, I eventually moved apartments, not sure of what I was looking for, but searching for that happiness I so desperately wanted. Nate moved in within a week of me, and as fearful and timid as I was about finding this elusive "best friend", I started spending time with him. We'd chat about classes and life and really nothing in particular but it was good to just chat with someone I trusted. I really don't need to write too far; short answer: it didn't last. Among waves of miscommunication and pride and faithlessness, I lost another friend. Nothing I tried worked. Down into depression I fell, and the worst part was that I hated being down there. I just didn't know how to get back out.
No class, no seminar or lecture could have helped me. I was growing and experiencing the world for the first time, taking with me what I believed was true and what I had previously experienced, both of which were highly skewed when compared to what actually was. I recognize how dark this all seems, but you must understand: I lived in darkness. It was all I knew. No one loved me. No one appreciated me. Not even I could comprehend the emotional roller coaster that shook the very foundation on which I lived. This was my reality; this is what I understood.
People sink to darkness to escape what they don't understand. The difficult part is that, as human beings, there's a whole universe of things we don't understand. We will never escape the ignorance we face and we either accept that and move on or envelop ourselves in darkness and hope it eventually goes away. I was that guy who so desperately hoped it would go away, and after 26 years of hiding, I emerged feeling just as lost and alone as ever.
So who could've known that two meager weeks in Nauvoo, Illinois would change everything.
No comments:
Post a Comment